Have a very merry christmas!

I can't put into words how wonderful it was to be back in New York, even if it was for a limited amount of time. I'm slowly transferring pictures to Flickr.

This Christmas eve I spent eating Chinese food with my family and making sugar cookies with my sister. We will be at the assisted living dining room tomorrow to celebrate Christmas with my Grandpa and our family Christmas Eve and Christmas will be the 26th and 27th which we are all getting used to. It actually seems to make it more special because it's not about the day - it's about the traditions and the people. My sister and I will be doing most of everything because my mom hasn't been able to walk lately, she has sciatica among other health issues creeping up, yet in her strong willed sometimes stupid way she keeps working too hard - through the pain.

I'm excited to be spending New Year's and the beginning of my Birthday celebrations in San Francisco with good friends.

I have nothing to complain about - I'm surrounded with people that make me smile and appreciate everything. Enjoy the holidays for what they are really about.

Science is Intelligence

I'm reading The God Delusion, and sadly it has taken me a long time and I'm still only half way through but it's quite remarkable.  

One of my favorite lines so far is a quote from Jim Watson in a response to the claim that science is about how things work and religion is about what it is all for: "Well I don't think were for anything.  We're just products of evolution.  You can say, "Gee, your life must be pretty bleak if you don't think there's a purpose."  But I'm anticipating having a good lunch."

Maybe if we all stopped concentrating so much on the purpose and the whole journey we could appreciate the little pieces that make up our existence more - - myself included.

My life keeps getting worse

I'm not sure what I did to deserve the karma that is coming to me lately but it's more than I can write, it's more than I can express emotionally by crying or screaming, it seems it might be more than I can actually handle.  

I know I sound dramatic but life is definitely testing me as I've received three more big, very bad pieces of news in the last couple of days.

Writing is therapeutic, it always has been for me, except in the past I filled books and books with poetry and now I fill pages of this blog.  I was laying in bed hoping that if I fell asleep I would wake up and it would be two months prior to now and everything would be superficial and normal - but instead I struggle to sleep and lay here with my thoughts.  The last things I wish to be around at a time like now.

Not because I'm suicidal - quite the opposite.  I simply can not wait for the uphill on this roller coaster of life.  Because this down is giving me so much momentum I'm guaranteed to go flying quite high into the sky as a result.  It's just a little scary to know that the decisions I make in the next few weeks, the attitude I post across my face - those are the factors that will determine how high I get to fly.  

I'm not sure I need luck, or faith, or even support; I'm sure that I need to be strong.  And that is the only thing I'm sure of. 

In an effort to be thankful:

1. I'm glad that when I called my mom upset she told me that she refused to talk to me if all I intended to do was throw a pity party for myself.  And to enjoy but wake up tomorrow and be the real "B."  Only because I almost cried- and while some people may think that is a bitchy thing for her to say, I think I applied for more jobs after talking to her than I have in my entire life.  As much as my mom offers tough love, it is the reason I am as strong as I am.

2.  A wonderful weekend with my friend Carrie who came to visit in Phoenix.

3. Friends that are not judgemental, they are supportive, caring, and wonderful.

4. Dryer sheets.

5. 90210 re run episodes 

6. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.  Great movie! 

7. Knowing that I will be in New York on Saturday...in exactly 4 days.  With Trace, Shelby and Amy---

my roommates when I first came to New York...what better way to reunite with the city I love too much.

It's hard to be sad when there is so much to be happy for.  

Sir Mc Stumbles alot.

"That is why I can say: I know I will change jobs, I know I will move again, I know I will experience more, I know I will make more mistakes, I know I will cry, I know I will laugh, but I have no idea what my future holds and that is okay.  For some people the dream is enough.  For me it takes more...I have to follow the dream to be content."

I was re-reading a very old blog I wrote, from one of the first months I was in New York.  And I fully appreciate how much I knew before I even knew it.  

Love or circumstance?

I've had the most interesting experiences lately. Not necessarily good or bad - just interesting in an eye opening not sure how I'm going to reflect on this a year from now kind of way.

I'm thankful that I know what I know now so that I can calmly deal with what lies ahead because a couple years ago I would not have been remotely close to prepared.

Love is a really interesting thing. My Grandpa married my Grandma and they were together for over 50 years. I'm not sure how happy they were and I'm not even sure how compatible they were, but they were together. My Grandma died three years ago and my Grandpa would never sleep in his bed after that - he slept on a bed in their office. He kept all of her clothes and he held on to her hairbrush. He also began dating a new woman shortly after she died.

We've been cleaning out his house because he is moving into an assisted living facility and found files of letters he had written to his girlfriend over the past two and a half years. I remember my mom being upset the first time we met her - not because she wasn't a wonderful woman but because she didn't understand how my Grandpa could move on so quickly after loosing his wife - her mom.

It's interesting because reading the letters (they are no longer together) he wrote as though getting her to be with him was a job. He asked her to agree to terms of their relationship, etc. He wrote as though he was working on a proposal - an engineering proposal. I think he just wanted something to keep him busy.

My mom was upset when we found receipts where he had ordered her flowers for Valentine's Day because he had never made half that effort for my Grandma.

I wonder if that happens because people get comfortable, I wonder if you just don't know what you have until it is gone, and I wonder if they were ever really in love or if people of that generation just didn't get divorced. Those are questions that I suppose I may never know the answers to, but it does make me wonder.